For a long time sex was the only currency a woman had.
And for a long time a woman had to pay.
We became imprinted with this idea that sex is barter, trade for love, care, security.
Men became imprinted that somehow we owed it to them.
If you have this, it’s ok to realise it. It’s best to realise it. Bring it to light. Be aware.
Let go of shame and guilt. It’s ok. Just be aware.
This is a very deep wound. Centuries old.
In this wound, in this barter sometimes the one who is sheltering becomes the one we need shelter from. This is a terrible feeling.
Often it is subtle. Especially now. We no longer subscribe to these old ideas consciously. We are Equal. And yet, it’s there in so many women still. It’s there in me still.
It’s a product of a longstanding rape culture. Where women had no choice.
In some cultures women have no choice still.
Because of this, we can be so imprinted. Often we think, “I must please the man first” so much so that we don’t think of ourselves. In little ways. In big ways. Even if there is danger or hurt sometimes I don’t think of me.
This is a very deep wound. This is very important.
Often, it’s nearly subconscious. It is so accepted by us we don’t even notice. We just allow. Rape culture. There is a lot of damage here.
We need to notice. We need to be held in our ability to say “no”.
We need to be supported in our ability to say “that doesn’t feel right.”
We need to know we don’t owe anyone anything.
At a very deep level, we need to hear this.
Please don’t expect that because we are there, sex is inevitable. Because we kiss you, sex is inevitable. Because we look a certain way, sex is inevitable. Please don’t expect that, because we started something, we need to finish it.
Please don’t think we owe you at any moment. Before, during, or after.
We never need to do what doesn’t feel right.
Tell us Not only is it ok to say “no” to what does not feel right and delicious. Tell us it is sexy to say it. And mean it. Truly be ok with it. Love us when we say it.
Because there is a deep fear here. If we do not give you what we think you want, you will no longer care for us. Even if we don’t need financial security anymore, there is a deep fear… if we do not give you what we think you want or often enough you will not love us. Or even that there is something wrong with us.
This fear damages all of us. It can be so subtle. Please be aware.
Women, listen for your internal “no” Speak it.
Men, cherish her spoken “no” Do you know what it means? She trusts you.
Sometimes it’s so hard to say “no”. It is imprinted that we must do what is wanted of us. It is imprinted that we must allow what is expected of us. Because of this, sometimes it’s so hard to say “no.”
Men, when a woman trusts you enough to say “no”, Tell her, “I love you.” Every time. Mean it. Show it. Women, trust yourself to say “no”. Trust that you have the right to say “no”. Trust that it does not devalue you to say “no”.
This heals the wound on both sides. We cannot be real in our yes until we can be loved in our no. You want us to be real in our yes. Even if you don’t know it yet, you want it.
So much more is possible.
This is the way we heal the wound. This is the way we heal the world.
