Let Me be Myself
A short story about saving yourself.
Lying on sofa, eyes on the roof, I looked back on my life. Am I what I meant to be? A daughter, sister, mother and a wife or simply a necessity needed to complete the cycle of life? Do I stand somewhere? Or is my sigh of grief not heard by anybody else, not even God? Please, let me be myself!
A five year old girl, making castles on the beach, imagining herself a princess to be locked there by a villain only to be released by a prince.
(Why am I freed by a prince? Couldn’t I be my own savior? Couldn’t I run on my own?)
Heard my dad saying “no need to opt for engineering, she can go for arts/literature, a much easier choice for her”.
He didn’t hear me saying “But that’s what I want so let me try.”
(I am a female but I can’t fail for you Dad. I couldn’t be a part of this assail. Making decisions in my life and living it as per my rules is my right)
“As far as choosing your life partner is concerned, we can’t rely on your liking alone”.
They didn’t hear me saying “let me go for him”
(I have to sign the marriage bond. Why must I choose not what appeals me?)
“Our baby needs attention. You must leave your job and stay at home”.
He didn’t hear me saying, “Let me go”
(My financial independence is as important as yours, especially when I don’t trust you to treat me with respect and there is a need to protect my escape route. Why must I quit? Surely I can work part-time?)
“I slapped you because you argued with me. Couldn’t you keep quiet when I am in a furry? ”
He didn’t hear me thinking “let me slap you too while you lay sleeping just so that you too can feel the pain of abuse. But know that if I do, I won’t be slapping you with my hand. It will be with a baseball bat across your kneecaps.”
(I can also speak aloud as that of you. I also want my opinion to be heard. I also want my needs to be met. Why must I surrender to a man who is neither fair nor reasonable?)
“You have to compromise because of your children. Your children need a father, you can’t go for a divorce”
My mother didn’t hear me saying “let me decide what is best for myself and my children.”
(I have the right to live with this man or to leave. I can’t suffer because of my children. Why should I tolerate an abusive husband? Who are you to comment on my children’s happiness or sufferings?)
“Mother, spending your life with an abusive husband was your own choice. You couldn’t say that you stayed because of us.”
My children couldn’t hear me saying “let me explain.”
(When I held you in my hands, my dear child, I saw myself in your eyes. I had taken my refuge there, in your deep blue eyes. The curtains were blue; the floor mats were blue too. I had stayed there happily and safely till the waves of time started fading the shades of blue. I stayed there when I was young and you were a child but now as I am old and you are young, you want some bright RED to be there. ‘Mum, you have to go’ I SURRENDER)
The angel of death at my side, ready to take away the gift of life. The people standing around me, could they find a sigh of relief when I crossed the threshold of life? The chapter of life closing and a new journey starting. Am I there or somewhere else?
I am not there but in the castle looking down towards the prince who is coming to release me. The prince mounted, held my hand & we both merge into ONE. I WAS THE PRINCE!
(I am my own prince, so let me take myself away from this bafflement. Let me be myself!)
What could I be:
A woman breathing in the free world, away from anxiety, enjoying the same fairness and equality to that of a man.
~.* ♥ *.~