Don’t Justify his Behaviour
authored by MR ©
I was recently witness to a woman who was still involved with a man who had smashed her face in to the point where his blows had collapsed her eye socket, and I listened to her justifying his behaviour to me when I confronted her with the fact that she was allowing herself to be abused. More importantly, I emphasised that she was allowing her children to see her being abused and she wasn’t doing anything about it. I said to her “Don’t justify his behaviour.” She continued to do so, so I parted ways with her because she wanted me to accept her choices while she set a bad example for her daughters and put all of her children in danger. Sorry, but that goes against everything I stand for.
My short friendship with this woman was about to come to an end. There would be one more action that she would take that would cement the ending of our friendship (which was yet to come), but in the meantime I was put in a situation where by telling her what I know to be true and confronting her with the fact that her weakness was going to impact her children’s lives for generations to come, she would freeze me out temporarily.
The event that ended our friendship was one where we had arranged to meet and she failed to do so. I had traveled quite some distance to the place where we had agreed, but she had received a call from her abusive partner and had gone to meet him where he was rather than keep her agreement to meet and collect me. I was left stranded as all the public transport had ended for the evening, and so I had nowhere to go and didn’t know what to do. She let her addiction to him impact my life. That’s when I decided that I could no longer tolerate being disrespected and I would no longer help her, and that ending my friendship with her was also about making a stand for the things that I believe in. After all, she’d had 12 hours during the day to send me a text and tell me that she wasn’t going to be able to keep her agreement, and she hadn’t done that.
Everything that I stand for and everything I’ve learned is what my organisation is here to pass on. I am not here to stand by and watch a generational pattern of abuse continue. I am here to do something about it. I am not here to sympathise and agree with women who allow themselves to be abused. I am here to wake people up to what they are doing. What they are doing is a choice – it’s a choice to let yourself be abused. It’s fine to let that happen if you don’t have children watching what is going on or being affected by what is going on, and if you don’t disrespect others in the process, but when there are children involved don’t expect me to say “there there dear, it’s all going to be alright.” It’s not. It’s up to you as the mother to take your children out of that situation and protect them from harm. It’s up to you to act responsibly and treat others with respect. If you are being abused by your partner, you have a moral obligation to your kids to take them away to safety, and you have an obligation out of courtesy to others to respect their time and their lives and not let your choices impact theirs in any way other than positively. It’s called Respect.
My friend expected me to sit by and watch as she justified what he was doing and as she told me that he would change. Had I done that, then everything about my organisation would be pure hypocrisy, and I am no hypocrite. I was expected to listen to her stories of his abuse and not tell her that she should leave. She tried to explain to me that our lives are predestined and that we have people in our lives to learn from, which to some extent is true. However, how long does it take to learn that you deserve better than having your face smashed in before you say “NO MORE”? How long does it take to learn how to show courtesy to others and not disrespect their time by failing to keep agreements or communicate a change in plan? We can change our Karma in two seconds flat simply by saying NO to a situation that we are involved in. We are not chained to a destiny that astrologers say we are born to. That is pure lies and disinformation to say that we can’t change our future in the blink of an eye, because we can. This woman’s justifications were lies she told to herself, not me, because I saw through them and I didn’t allow her to affect my life with her erroneous beliefs.
I must say that I am no professional when it comes to counseling a woman who wants to lean on the friendship and get me to give her an easy and quick solution to her problems. I’m not trained in dealing with the subtle manipulations that weak people use to try to stay where they are in life. I admit that it’s best to hand that job over to other people, because I am too blunt and I say exactly what I think, whether the person wants to hear it or not. Often, it involves hitting them over the head with a verbal plank of truth, which most weak people don’t want to hear. I have decided that I’m not going to do that in future – I’ll refer my friends on to the professionals who know how to deal with the way they are.
Even though I have been in abusive relationships where I was being physically or verbally abused, I have never stayed with the man after the third time of him hitting me, and even that was three times too many. Usually, if a man hit me or abused me verbally and tried to gain control over my mind, I would leave pretty quick smart. The benefit of leaving men like that is that gradually, over the years, I’ve ironed out the patterns of past generations within my own family, which I know was something that I agreed to do when my spirit said yes to coming into this earthly dimension. That was a contract I agreed to be part of. However, when other women justify their own man’s abuse and they make no effort to leave, that is pure foolishness to me. Not only that but it is complete irresponsibility when it comes to protecting their children. Children learn far more from seeing what is going on than they do from hearing their mother tell them that what daddy is doing he can’t help. It impacts their self esteem and affects their ability to learn and socialise outside of the home, and causes them issues in relationships later in their lives. Not only that, but often when the mother is being abused, so are the children, and not just by the father, but also the mother because she takes out her pain and unhappiness on those closest to her. A family with any kind of violence is not worth trying to keep together. The safest place to work on the situation is from a distance, where nobody can be harmed.
When you are a mother and you have children in your care, your number one responsibility is to take them away from harm. You are their protector. You are their keeper. If you can’t be strong enough to do that then you are not fit to have them. Even in the wild, animals like the lioness will band together with other lionesses and attack the male lion who tries to hurt or kill one of the young male lion cubs. Sometimes they will even take on the lion by themselves – a very risky but brave thing to do. Animals will do anything to protect their young – it’s only humans who decide to give their partners a second chance.
Abuse not only affects you, it affects your kids. Eventually, it affects your friendships too, because anyone who has worked to clear away drama from their life and create a peaceful life of their own, isn’t going to tolerate you bringing your dramas into their lives. Get your act together and don’t set a bad example for your kids. Show respect for others and move towards maturity. That’s the way of the inner warrior, the one who masters herself. Staying with him isn’t going to rescue him, because the change has to come from him, not you. You don’t have the power to change him – only he does.
~.* ♥ *.~
Update: The first novel in our series of seven is now published, and is a courageous story of a young teen growing up in a home filled with domestic violence, and how she manoeuvres her way through such a difficult situation. Click here if you’d like to know more about this novel.
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