Written by voluntary contributor Azadeh Vafaee 16th June 2014
All of us are looking for an ideal relationship in our life: a relationship full of love, kindness, trust and confidence. But what percentage of people actually reach this goal? This question is important, especially during the last two decades where we see a considerable increase in the numbers of people who prefer to live alone.
The basic human need to have somebody to love and spend time with often causes many of us a lot of trouble. In the case of young girls, this is due to the fact that as the child grows she will have lots of romantic dreams that are taught to her by fairytales and children’s movies, and the things she sees on the television. So when the first young suitor comes along and speaks about lovely things and a bright future, she immediately believes it, falls in love and starts to make more and more dreams while not really knowing him/her!!
One of the most common results of love is that the lover lives like they are blind and deaf. If they see some abnormal behavior from their partner or hear them using abuse words – maybe not in their own relationship but with others, for example with parents or other friends – they do not pay attention and do not ask themselves “why?”. Yet it is bitter true: the abusive ones do not have a good relationship with parents and friends. Often they do not have many friends – just similar individuals to themselves.
If you ask them about their education and job (and if they do not lie), often they have not finished the high school and do not have a permanent job. You can find several temporary careers in their work history while they would have some silliest reasons for them. Although some of them may deceive you with the highest degree and the best position in the best company. You will find often that in their own childhood they had abusive parents themselves, so they are just repeating a pattern that was shown to them, an example set by people they trusted, and because of that they do not know how to be a better partner in a relationship.
Maybe you hear something wrong about them through their parents or friends but as you have become deaf due to being in love, you just listen to the fictions that your abusive partner is telling you.
Another very clear sign of a violent person is that they may be using drugs and lots of alcohol and cigarettes. At first, maybe they tell you that they use the substances sometimes “just for fun and not often”, for example, just at parties. They may even tell you that it is because of you, “I want to enjoy my time more when I am with you” or “I use them just now”, while the reality is that they are addicted and need the drugs to top up all the time. They may encourage you to join them by saying something like “If you really love me, you should join me in doing this to make our love more enjoyable!”
Another trait of these unhealthy men or women is that they will try putting you down either publicly or privately, by attacking your intelligence, looks, mental health and/or capabilities, constantly comparing you unfavourably with others. Blaming you for all the problems in the relationship, and for the times they are out of control or violent, which makes you feel confused or like you are going ‘crazy’. In conclusion, they just try to change you to somebody like themselves.
In the course of passing time, they cannot control their reactions the same way they have been doing the first weeks of relationship. So, you may see the physical abusive more often, sometimes even in public: pushing, shoving, hitting, grabbing, making you have sex or do things you don’t want to do. However, a violent relationship may not be violent all the time and the person who is violent may seem very loving at other times and sorry for their behaviour. This can make it hard to stay angry and upset with them, yet the chance of their violent behaviour continuing is quite high. Abusers are often very charming and sweet with other people, especially if they are trying to manipulate other people’s view of them.
After a violent event, it is common that the violent person will try to make it ok by making excuses, apologising, or promising to change, which makes it harder for you to make a decision by thinking that it will get better or never be repeated. Sometimes the violent person may even blame you – saying things like “It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t…”. Things might settle down for a little while but it’s often only a matter of time before the build-up to violence starts again. Abusers often work on your sense of what is real to make you feel confused or even that you are going crazy. Statistically though, if someone is violent once they are far more likely to be violent a second time.
Overall, there are lots of clear signs of violent persons that you can recognise easily, even if it was your first relationship. Nevertheless, often the hardest part is deciding to leave them. It happens because of fear, which is inculcated by your abusive partner threatening you. For example, they will tell you that if you leave them they will make trouble for you or you will stay alone for a long-time as they will not let somebody else to make a relationship with you. Or they may even threaten to harm you or your children, or worse. Sometimes maybe you feel that their behavior is a result of your weaknesses and faults, which is definitely wrong. Sometimes you simply get used to living with them and so making a new change is difficult and uncomfortable for you.
In conclusion, no one deserves to be in a relationship where they don’t feel safe. If you are in a relationship that you think might be abusive, trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Do everything you can to leave this relationship immediately because it will be harder day by day. If you cannot help yourself, find people who love and support you and listen to them and let them help you. Your safety and the safety of those in your care depends on you leaving.
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Thank you Azadeh for your valuable contribution to our site.
