Today’s values seem to make any kind of behaviour ok, and as such, there is alot of confusion about how to create a good strong foundation for a relationship. I was born in the sixties and grew up with a certain amount of influence from my local fellowship and church. I was taught during my early years that it was best not to immediately have sex with a person when you first start dating, and in hindsight, that teaching suited my personality more aptly than living a more promiscuous lifestyle like some others are OK with doing. For me, my choices were affected by the fact that the someone whom I loved surprised me with sex when we had our first kiss. He acted so quickly and took advantage when he knew that I had such strong feelings that I was like a rabbit in the spotlight, blinded and frozen. It was over in less than a minute, and shortly he was up and gone. I was so disappointed because he was someone I thought was about to become my boyfriend, plus there were spiritual ties between us so it went much deeper than him just being a guy who lived down the road.We were connected on many levels. What shocked me though was that he thought himself pretty cool to have done that to me, because he then went on to brag about it to his mates with the intention to humiliate me, which caused me a huge amount of pain at the time.
What stemmed from him bragging about what he had done to me came years and years of bullying from kids in the neighbourhood. It was very painful for me to go through, and I missed out on a lot of the normal experiences that most teenagers have. I didn’t have a boyfriend until the end of my teenage years, and when I did it was someone who was much, much older than me. This was probably because I didn’t feel safe with people of my own age. I’d experienced too much pain to let myself get close to anyone that came from the group of peers around me.
Growing up in the family that I was born into was very difficult. My father was violent, and he treated my mother with such disrespect that I too lost respect for her eventually, watching her take his abuse and not stand up to him or leave. With regards to my mother, she was a narcissist who too was abusive, heaping her own shame and guilt on me through name-calling and being degrading. Both of my parents used undisciplined disciplinary methods with myself and my brother. I remember one occasion where my mother just lost it with my brother, and punched him so hard in the mouth that she broke his lip open and he bleed everywhere. This upset me alot, even though my brother and I didn’t get along. On another occasion my father struck me so hard with a backhander when I was 8 years old that C3 and C4 vertebrae were out for years until at age 35 a chiropractor put them back into correct alignment again (my father had given me a sideways whiplash). I had been unable to turn my head completely to the left until she did this for me. This common abuse by my parents eventually chipped away at my self-esteem and led me to do things I would never have done had I grown up in a loving home environment.
Personally, I would live my life very differently if I could go back in time. Although, having said that, my life has made me who I am today and the woman that I am has a great depth of understanding that some others don’t have.
Young men don’t realise how their drive for sex affects a woman. In speaking to the men reading this, if you aren’t sensitive to the needs of those around you, your drive becomes all about you (which is not the way to create a loving relationship). A certain percentage of young men think it’s ok to allow their biology to rule, but unless these men start to evolve beyond the very carnal drives that they have, they risk having only limited success at creating the relationship that they possibly would really like to have. Of course, some of this rush to get laid is about releasing the biologically need that is driving you. However, if men took the time to understand how by getting that need met with someone who doesn’t fully comprehend how their actions are going to affect the young woman ( ie. could cause her some pain), they might be able to make alternate and better choices. Try to have compassion and understanding for her, because it’s not all about you.
Generally, the most successful relationships start off in a platonic way. Of course, there are exceptions, but generally this is true. The reason for this is because by not having sex immediately with the person you are dating, you have time to discover who she or he is as a person. It’s very important that the man shows the woman whom he is interested in that he wants to get to know her, and that he values her. That is (of course) if he actually does desire to have a relationship with her. Of course, if he just wants to have sex with a woman then he needs to find a lady who also only wants to have sex. That way, both of you agree upon what it is you’re giving/getting from the experience. However, if the lady that he’s attempting to get agreement from about having sex wants more than that – a proper relationship – it is very selfish of him to push for what he wants when she wants something more. Young men are very naïve when it comes to women. They have virtually no understanding at all about what many young women need or want, and mostly they think only of themselves.
If a young man can temper his outgoing sexuality, he will be able to court a woman for long enough to develop the love that is needed between them so that they can have a very deep and satisfying relationship on all levels. Not just a superficial relationship that is designed to satisfy his raging, hormonally driven needs when he is in his late teens through to early thirties. These are generally the years in which both he and the ladies that he’s courting are seeking to find a partner with whom they can have children. If he doesn’t approach the situation correctly, he can damage the young woman’s self image by imposing himself on her, and he may then have to deal with the knowledge that he forcibly took advantage when he shouldn’t have. This, in any decent young man, may cause some feelings of regret which could possibly affect how he deals with potential partners in the future. Of course, I’m speaking from an Australian woman’s point of view. The way that a man feels about his actions towards women is heavily influenced by the culture that he has grown up in, of which I’m sure that men who come from certain very male dominated cultures would highly disagree with what I write here. But I’m not asking you to change your culture or beliefs. What I am saying is that if you want to have a deep and emotionally intimate relationship with a woman then you should give her the respect that is needed and the time that is needed in order to develop the love required to have a long term relationship.
Here’s a few interesting facts about women that young guys need to know: the male and female brain are wired very differently. Because of that, they have different needs. Women’s brains have up to 16 key locations that gather information about you when they are communicating with you face-to-face. These locations specialise in decoding words, tone-of-voice changes and body language and are partly why women have such a strong intuition. The other reason why a woman always knows when you are lying to her is because she can feel it. She can feel that you are holding something back, and that what you are saying doesn’t have a clean energy about it. That’s because lies feel dirty, and her extra-sensory perception always knows.
Men only have 4 to 7 of these locations, because as I have said in another of my posts men’s brains are the way they are so that they can focus on one task at a time. Their brain is mostly attuned to visual and spatial use, rather than for communication. In years gone past they needed their keen eyesight so that they could detect and find the animal they were preparing to slaughter and bring home to the tribe. They did not intend to talk to it, listen to it or counsel it. Their intention was to kill it and bring it home for dinner. Because men are so visually attuned, they use their eyes when searching for a mate. Their brains are wired that way, to search for the woman whose genetic appearance matches the codes within their own genetic makeup, so that together they can create good offspring. Although, much of that is unconscious to the male as to why he finds one woman more attractive than another, but that is why.
The woman’s brain is wired very differently, and mostly it has to do with looking after her children. Women’s hearing is incredibly acute. She can hear intention in a person’s voice, because her brain is wired that way. I know that when I work on the phone with people, I don’t even have to see them to be able to hear their intention on the phone. Due to the awareness that I needed to have in my younger years (in order to avoid an unexpected blow to my face or head by one of my parents), I developed an acute sense of perception about people. But I don’t think my abilities have developed only because of my abuse. I sense that these abilities are there because I am female, and the female brain is wired to be able to tell things about others in order to protect her children.
A woman can hear for long distances around her and she knows when things aren’t right. She can visually and audibly tell the difference between pain, fear, hunger, injury, sadness and happiness in her children, and she can hear what they are up to while she’s working a little distance away from them when they’re playing in the yard. She can do the same with the family pet as well, so what does that suggest about what women most need from a man? They need him to talk to them. They need him to communicate with them. So guys, if you can’t open up and talk to a woman, you aren’t going to get very far with her. If you impose yourself on her before she is ready to invite you in, then you ruin it for both you and her, and you damage her trust in not only you, but in all men in general.
Guys, hold back and wait. It is totally a learning process that you need to go through – that is, if you want to develop and become more than what you are now. Ladies, it’s your task to make the guy wait, so that he learns to open up and talk to you. If you dive into bed before opening the channel of communication between each other, then often no matter how willing you are to open that channel to one another later, the dynamics that you now have in the relationship won’t allow it to occur because you’ve jumped too many steps ahead in the process far too soon.
Ladies, resist the temptation to get involved in a sexual way with a potential new partner. By doing so, you help your new man to learn how to communicate. After all, if he’s not having sex with you he has to talk to you, right? He might be pressuring you to have sex, but you hold the key to him learning how to actually open up to you. You must hold back and not give in to him, because by doing so you force him to open up and talk to you. Most guys need to learn how to do that, in a sincere way. Not a small-talk, chit-chat kind of way, but a way that is honest and reveals who he actually is. It will be during this time that you learn about who he is, and whether or not he speaks the truth at all times. If he lies to you about small things, you can never trust him about anything because eventually he will lie in a big way and bring you pain. Use your wonderful gift of female intuition to tell what’s going on and try not to let your rose coloured glasses cause you to overlook any signs that he might be abusive.
I realise that a lot of women have such low self-esteem and are so needy that they think that the only way to get a man or to keep a man is to have sex with him. The other side of the coin is that by having sex with a guy too soon, they are using him to get their own needs met which might be those of closeness in order to feel loved. But physical closeness is unsatisfying if you aren’t yet healed and whole. It’s only when you’re healed and whole that physical intimacy can be satisfying if you decide to experience it with someone that you don’t intend to become emotionally involved with. Often, a man’s sexual needs aren’t the most important needs he has. They might be immediate needs, but they often aren’t the most important needs. When he admits it to himself, his most important need is to be loved and nurtured by a woman that can walk beside him in life and support him in becoming the best man that he can be.
If you’re being courted by a man whose only intention is to get you into bed, he’s definitely not marriage material. If you give in to too many men like this you could possibly become so disheartened by the failure of the long term relationship that you had been envisaging for yourself, that you will start to think that you can’t have what you want with any man, let alone those so far. Let those men who only want sex go to women who are only offering sex, and you’ll soon find that you’ll quickly be able to see who is who in the men that show interest in you. It will also give you time to notice any inclinations within him to control you, and if you see that within him, keep moving right along. Love is not violence or pain, and never will be. The most successful relationships started out as friendships, where two people treated each other with kindness, honestly and respect. Being honest is essential to building trust in a relationship. Without trust and honesty a relationship is guaranteed to fail.
