Jealousy is Not Necessary
“What is jealousy? It’s the mind’s reaction to a loss of control, or the imagined loss of control. If you don’t have to control, you can’t be jealous, can you? Jealousy is a fascist emotion. In the realm of subtle feeling you will love your partner unconditionally. You won’t try to own them and they won’t try owning you. You will assist them to whatever is best for them in this life, even if that means they move out. Divorce is the result of unresolved control trips. Each hires a good liar and they enter a court that pretends to be interested and the control trip eventually gets sorted out.
What is romance? It’s a drug trip. When you find someone who pleases you, endorphins are released into your bloodstream. You become slightly intoxicated or, in severe cases, demented. The same happens to your chosen partner if they are in love with you. After a few months, the novelty wears off and you either part or you try to sustain the drug high into a formal or informal marriage contract. What is marriage? It’s a control trip. It’s a contract formalizing the flow and supply of drugs- brain drugs. Why does infidelity usually cause pain? Because of the loss of control and the loss of imagined immortality. It feels like a death to the one who is at the wrong end of the infidelity. It usually angers them. They see it as life threatening. It also usually triggers abandonment issues (fear). If you love someone unconditionally, there is no more faithful or unfaithful. If they go off with someone else, let them go. Just insist they keep you properly informed so you can make decisions based on truth not lies.”
Stuart Wilde, 2001
God’s Gladiators p.77
This is a powerful quote from my teacher. Stuart wrote it prior to the time that he was able to get close to a woman. His quote needs to be read and understood with that in mind because once you find someone whom you want to devote yourself entirely to, views like the one he had at that point in his life tend to change. As my friend A.J. says, “Stuart’s perspective is very interesting. Slightly depressing but brutally honest. It’s as honest as Stuart was able to experience.” A.J. believes that someone who lives in a happy and sustainable marriage or relationship does not have this opinion. When A.J. and I discussed this, I said that the trick to having a relationship in which jealousy is not a part is to find someone who has the same values as you do, to which A.J. replied:
“I don’t even think it is that, seeing how values can change. I’ve had several “core values” over my life. From the values that I was taught as a kid, to the values of “honour, courage, and commitment” that I learned in the army corps, to the values that I have now. I suppose that the most important thing to me is to have an understanding and an open agreement to be honest even if that puts your relationship in danger. That, and to agree that change is inevitable, and to allow each other to freely change without judgement, is what I think makes a relationship work.” To me, that in itself is a value.
So really, what we are talking about here is honesty, freedom, and communication.
Others might say, We try to escape jealousy….however, some jealousy is normal and a healthy aspect of a relationship. When you love someone you do not want anyone else to step into that sacred space. When your spouse expresses jealousy you should feel good as it means you have her commitment and she wants no one else to have you. Your mate has placed you high on the human chain – you are number one and she will fight for you, defend you, love you like no one else could. So lets not negate jealousy. It is healthy and makes the relationship strong and lasting.
I would respond to the above perspective with Yes, as long as that jealousy isn’t one that also tries to possess another and engulf him or her. If someone has declined all others and kept their heart only for the one they love, then obviously that someone should not jeopardise the sacred gift of the love of their partner by stepping outside of the combined heart-space. At least, while ever he or she wants to be with that other individual they shouldn’t.
~.* ♥ *.~
Update February 2016: The first novel in our series of seven is now published, and is a courageous story of a young teen growing up in a home filled with domestic violence, and how she manoeuvres her way through such a difficult situation. Click here if you’d like to know more about this novel.
Click here if you’d like to be taken to the site where you can purchase this novel.