Forgiveness in Marriage
written by AB, editor MR
Is your spouse careless and inconsiderate? Does he or she hurt your feelings by doing or saying anything that you do not like? Due to the fact that women are naturally nurturing and caring, men need to learn how to become just as caring because naturally they aren’t usually that way. Unfortunately, because it requires a rather large effort to learn, they often don’t bother to do so.
It is worth noting that conflicts arise in all sorts of relationships and this is quiet normal. When you make a commitment to get married, you are in a very holy and sacred relationship with your spouse. Men are usually lazy and they often hurt their fiances or wives out of sheer laziness or lack of attention to detail. If you love him enough to work through this lazy and careless aspect of himself, you will do well to forgive your spouse for his mistakes in order to keep the relationship going.
Although in cases where the female half of the relationship does happen to be the bully or abuser, she is usually verbally nasty and mentally torturous in the extreme – way nastier than a man might be. Did you know that one in three cases of domestic violence that actually gets reported to the police is carried out against a man by his wife or girlfriend? That’s not even mentioning the number of cases where when a relationship breaks up, the woman uses the kids as a way to hurt the ex-husband by restricting access to his own children. If you are reading this and you know in your heart that you can be abusive, be careful not to turn a blind eye to your own dark side…… we all have one, it’s just up to us as to how much power that dark side has over us. Admit to yourself that you have a black heart and a poisonous tongue, and then do something about changing that. Evil has a way of growing bigger inside of you, so you’d do well to put a stop to that before it’s too difficult to go back to being good.
On the other hand (when you aren’t the abuser in a relationship), it is important to note that under normal circumstances you have every right to ask to be treated in a certain manner, and if your spouse agrees to be more considerate and then doesn’t put their promise into action, you also have a right to set a boundary and say “no, this is not to happen again.” If things get to a point where you can see that he isn’t making an effort, you may be forced to make a choice – do you stay or do you leave? If he is making an effort to change and doesn’t slip back into old ways of behaving for long, it would be best to forgive him every time he makes a silly mistake. This will keep your marriage intact and keep it progressing forward in order to deepen intimacy. I am not advocating that you forgive violence or abuse. I am suggesting that you make allowances for silly non-violent, non-abusive mistakes: things like forgetfulness and being late to a meeting (which are both pretty harmless but very annoying, I know). You do not, however, have to tolerate being put down or being physically assaulted ever.
There are many ways to forgive your spouse, some of which you may already be aware of. Here are some further very useful tips on forgiving a loved one in order to keep a sacred relationship going, which you may find to be very useful to apply over time.
Handle Negative Emotions with Care
It is true that when we react emotionally, we say and do things that we regret later. Whenever you are angry about your spouse’s actions, it is best to delay the discussion until you have settled down completely. By allowing yourself some time, you can find a solution instead of just reacting out of anger. You should respect each other and allow each other some space when someone has been thoughtless and inconsiderate.
Be Clear about your Perspective
It is recommended that you give each other some time to share your concerns on the issue. If you continue to shout at each other, neither of you be able to hear the concerns of the other spouse. When you are explaining your own concerns, tell your spouse which exact actions have hurt you and clearly explain the frustration caused by his or her actions. Help them to understand why and how these actions have had that impact. Similarly, you should allow your spouse to explain his or her perspective on the situation also.
Discuss One Issue at a Time
When you start discussing your issues with your spouse, it is best to discuss one issue at a time. If you start discussing all issues at once, your spouse might not be able to understand which of his actions caused you frustration. Keep yourself focused on one single issue only so that your spouse can rectify his attitude and actions. It might be discouraging if you present a list of things to change – instead explain only one single thing that he can easily understand and change in his behavior.
Always Remember that your Relationship is More Dear to you than Issues
Sometimes we get so wrapped up that we forget about the bigger picture. People laugh, but marriages can break up over very small issues that can easily be neglected. I believe that if both partners can tolerate the little mistakes of one another, fix situations as and when they arise, then they can strengthen their relationship and can solve all conflicts easily. Regardless of the nature of the issues, always remember that your relationship is the most important thing to consider. Both partners need to make their relationship their priority, and each should be more concerned about keeping the marriage intact and moving forward than criticising and finding fault with their beloved.
Start Discussions with a Forgiving Attitude
After you do get married, you are hoping to spend 40 to 50 years with your husband or wife, and in order to do so you have to forgive each other many times in this relationship. Being in such a relationship, you cannot afford to be unforgiving. When your spouse has made a mistake, start discussing the issue with a positive attitude. It is very important to forgive them in order to keep your relationship healthy and your married life full of excitement and joy.