If you were abused as a young girl and your needs were neglected, there is a very high chance that you’re an adult narcissist who is trying to get your needs met through your children. I’ve heard so many stories of women who’ve had kids in order to feel loved, in order to fill a gap within themselves, and one such story is my own mother’s story.
During many years of her spitting hatred on me and using physical and mental violence against me, I was told over and over again by her that I was never a daughter to her. My response to that is, “why should I be expected to make up for the love that you missed out on in your childhood Mum?”
Isn’t it a mother’s role to love and support her children? Isn’t it a mother’s role to focus on her children until they become little people of their own? Isn’t it a mother’s role to give love, support and acceptance rather than expect her child to be the mother in the relationship? And isn’t it a mother’s role to protect her children from abuse?
Well to all the women who treat their daughters (or sons) in this way, here’s a list for you to read of the traits of Maternal Narcissism. My mother had many of these traits while I lived in our family home when I was a child. To her credit, she grew past many of them because I wouldn’t allow her to dominate me anymore. I walked free of her controlling ways. However she didn’t grow past them all unfortunately.
Here’s the list. See if you recognise yourself or your mother in the traits written on this list:
Traits of Maternal Narcissism
- Nothing will ever be her fault.
- She will never be there for you. Ever. No matter what.
- She will always be the victim, never the perpetrator.
- She will never see you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments.
- Everything will be about her.
- It is her way or the highway.
- She will never admit to being wrong or take responsibility for any wrongdoings.
- Silent treatment and neglect can and do go on for extended periods of time, especially if you’ve pointed out her flaws.
- When you withdraw your supply of support for her, she will make you the bad guy and invent stories about you.
- She will try to re-write history.
- She has no empathy.
- She will present a public face, but privately she will be different.
- She will contradict herself and is hypocritical. “Do as I say, not as I do.”
- To her you are only property. Her children are only extensions of her.
- She will set her children against each other. Triangulation is part of the way that she manipulates.
- She manipulates everyone. Guilt is one of her tools.
- You only exist to supply her and get her needs met.
- Her children will be responsible for her care, whether it be housekeeping, financial or emotional support.
If you see yourself in the traits on this list, you need help now. If you suspect that because you were neglected and abused by your own mother, that you too might do the same to your own children, then go and see someone who can help you to release the patterns of your family line. We are all born with an inherited pattern within us, having taken on the pain of our parents and grandparents. That pain becomes stored pain within us, causing us to react like a dog who has been kicked in the ribs and is bruised. Pat her on the back and she grins and slobbers and wags her tail, but touch her on the underside and she turns and bites you. It’s only a reaction to her pain, yet she can’t help herself.
Do you see yourself in this list? Go and get help if you do.
~.* ♥ *.~
Update: As of February 2016, the first novel in our series of seven is now published, and is a courageous story of a young teen growing up in a home filled with domestic violence, and how she manoeuvres her way through such a difficult situation. Click here if you’d like to know more about this novel.
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