Wounds that Prevent Intimacy

Wounds That Prevent Intimacy

Wounds the Prevent Intimacy

Many women grow up believing that life will be wonderful. They expect that there will be a happy-ever-after ending by about the age of 24 or so. Often this doesn’t occur, because we’re confronted with the pain of many generations gone. Not to mention the build-up of experiences over the course of our lives. Unless these things are dealt with we’ll never have the depth of connection that we want with an intimate partner.

Women’s Sixth Sense

All young girls have a natural sensitivity to what is going on around them. Being female, we are gifted with certain natural inherent qualities and abilities that males don’t have. Female children are natural healers and nurturers, because they are biologically designed to be the protectors and carers for the children that they will have in their own futures. They have a powerful sense of intuition, to the point of being psychic in many young girls, and they can often see the spiritual beings that move in dimensions beside us. These abilities are more acute in those being born today than they were even when I was young.  Humanity is evolving.

If a young girl is unfortunate enough to be born into a family where there is a lot of unprocessed pain, often the pain of her mother and father is so overwhelming that she doesn’t have enough space within her own heart and mind left to be able to develop her own potential – she is too busy processing and protecting herself from the pain that she’s absorbing from her environment. This was the case for me.

Unprocessed Pain

My parents had so much unprocessed pain that it was too much for me, and as a little baby I screamed non-stop, which caused my mother even more distress. Of course, mum didn’t understand the reason for what was going on because she had never thought to get help for the things that she had been through. Plus, she had no idea about how energy works or that we are all connected, so she didn’t even consider that my behaviour might have been brought on by something within her.

It simply didn’t occur to her that I might be so sensitive that all I could do was feel the pain that she was carrying and the only way I knew how to process it was to cry. In doing so, I did some of her crying for her and helped to release the pain she carried from having been abused in her own childhood. So by the time my brother came along there was a lot less pain in her than there was when I was born.

On a general note, all children are more open, intuitive and sensitive to energy than adults are. This is because they have not yet become desensitised to pain…. they haven’t as yet learned to numb themselves to it.

Children Don’t Know How to Say No

Over the course of growing up, all children are infringed upon to some degree by those around them, especially young girls.  Culturally there are a lot more demands placed on girls than there are on boys. Plus, because girls tend to be more “girlie” in their behaviour and not as outwardly driven, young boys around them constantly impose demands upon them and cross their boundaries.  That’s without even mentioning that should they happen to have been born into an abusive environment, they will be witnessing their mother being abused which will be impacting them substantially, notwithstanding that they too are probably being abused due to the lack of self-discipline of the parents. Abuse tends to be passed down from generation to generation, and if abuse was all the parents knew when they were children, then abuse is what they will pass on down.

Imposed Upon

As girls grow up, they find themselves having to be defensive against people who are bigger and tougher than they are, and they will sometimes find themselves being picked on or bullied. In worst case scenarios, they might be molested or raped by someone older than them, or even by someone their own age.  A 16 year old guy tried to force his penis into my mouth while I was standing in the kitchen of my aunt’s house when I was 9, so I know firsthand what happens when teenage boys are being driven mad by their hormones. He wasn’t thinking about how what he was doing was going to affect me throughout my life…. he was only thinking of himself.

He wasn’t the only young guy who imposed himself on me. There were others, the most painful one being someone I’d had a crush on since I was 5 when I was 12. When he did what he did, I became terrified of guys after that, and for many many years was seriously dysfunctional in the area of relationships. Although, in my particular case my fears were also contributed to by the example set by my parent’s relationship, along with the things that my mother would say to me when I was a teenager. Many times when this type of situation occurs, the painful experiences get pushed down within our memories and don’t rise again to the surface until later in life when we are attempting to have a close intimate relationship.

Searching for Love in All the Wrong Places

Young girls like myself then switch off to the pain of it all and try to imagine that nothing ever happened. We get on with our lives and we survive. However, deep within us is a wound that we don’t realise is affecting us. We don’t realise that we are damaged. Especially if there is a repeated number of situations like this that keep occurring in our lives.

Accepting that this is the way life is, we pick ourselves up and try to make the best of our lives. We develop strength and the ability to battle on. Despite the growing build-up of experiences and pain that will later trigger fear in us. We learn that the only way to get attention is to become very sexually provocative and active. Because that was the kind of attention given to us in the past. We associate love with sex, or rather, sex with love. Thus we go through a range of very dissatisfying experiences in our search for love.

Raped by a Spouse

Australian statistics show that over 87% of the men who rape women are known to them. So within that figure is a high number of intimate partners who rape their spouse in an attempt to get their own needs met.  I know this to be very true. I had a miscarriage to the partner that I had while I was in my thirties. That same night he raped me as an act of aggression against me for getting pregnant in the first place.  Never mind the fact that he knew I wanted a child and yet did nothing to prevent me getting pregnant.  So, he took out his anger on me by raping me. Needless to say I was in a state of utter distress over having miscarried. His actions caused more damage and pain in my heart.

During an earlier relationship my partner at the time had a very bizarre understanding of the word “No”. He thought that “No” meant “Yes”.  So he forced himself on me thinking that I was playing some kind of game with him, raping me. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last. These two examples of male behaviour are a pure and complete turn-off. It is no wonder that women pull away when men behave like this.

Shutting Down

By the time we do get married (if that does in fact occur), there are problems. We find that we are incapable of being truly open and vulnerable with our partners.  Children are used as an excuse to avoid intimacy with our partner. Our husband is unaware of our pain and often doesn’t understand, yet we feel all of it very deeply!

As we pull away, our partners want more. They begin to show more interest in sex and become frustrated, demanding and impatient. This then causes us to shut down even further, which causes a huge rift between us and them. They become more needy and pushy. They sometimes end up raping us in the process of trying to get their own needs met.

The Healing Journey

The only way out of our pain is to go deeply into it and release it.  If women want a truly satisfying relationship with a man, it is imperative that they heal the pain within them.  We must not wait for healing from our partner. Most likely he is unaware of what we need in order to become healed.  Sure, he needs to understand that he has to put more focus on the relationship. He needs to not throw himself into his career as a means of escape. However, nothing will change if we expect our partner to be the one to heal our pain for us. It is true: he needs to be respectful, loving and caring. But it isn’t true that it is his responsibility to fix our pain. Our pain is our responsibility to fix, not his.

We need to seek the help of healers who know how to fix us. We must make that journey on our own as a separate course of action within the relationship. While on the journey out of our pain, it is also our responsibility not to dump our pain on him. Most likely, he didn’t cause the wounds of our pain in the first place. So it only causes more pain to hurt him. Especially if our behaviour is an act of retaliation against the things that have been done to us by others.  While ever we remain unhealed, our heart and body will remain split. Then the sex that does occur isn’t something of intimacy or love, but rather of need and demand.

For my Male Readers

For the men reading this, your only responsibility is not to add to your beloved’s pain. While you’re supporting her in the process of healing, you can deal with your own issues.  If you want to become a superior man, you can walk the journey of inner healing beside her.  This is the only way to deepen intimacy and to grow within the relationship that you have with your partner.  The woman you met and fell in love with is still within her. It’s just that you’re being permitted to see all of her now. Despite the difficulty of going through the oftentimes confronting aspect of healing yourself because of what you see in her, it will be worth it in the end if you do.